In 2011, I gave birth to my son, Jaxson. I quickly became a single mother shortly after his first Birthday. In 2014, I met my husband Dennis. We were engaged within 3 months and married 6 months later. I was blessed to have gained two older bonus children as well. We quickly started trying to conceive a baby of our own and fell pregnant a month later only to have suffered a very early miscarriage and several months later we found ourselves receiving help from a local fertility clinic.
I was diagnosed as having unexplained infertility as well as secondary infertility. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how or why this was happening to me. In June 2016 we had our second iui and I fell pregnant with our son, Morgan. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy aside from all day sickness but for 9 months that I carried him I was constantly on edge, afraid of losing him, terrified of something going wrong. I was overjoyed when he made his way into the world in early March of 2017. He was healthy and happy. The first few weeks were kind of a blur, you know, the typical newborn stuff, up all night, sore breasts from nursing around the clock, not having the time to shower or eat a hot meal.
It wasn't until I was 3 months postpartum that I realized something was wrong, that I wasn't at all feeling myself. I had a terrible break down and called my OBGYN and was seen the next day. I sat in that office feeling scared and alone, feeling like a total failure as a wife and a mom. I left with a prescription for zoloft (a low dose antidepressant) and pamphlets with information and numbers to hotlines related to PPD and PPA. I was seen and treated for 6 months, feeling more like myself and then slowly taken off the antidepressant.
In early May 2018, I found out I was pregnant again. As much as I wanted Morgan to have a sibling close in age, I thought it would just be merely a dream as our insurance had changed so seeking fertility help to have another baby was out of the question. But obviously the universe had other plans because that pregnancy was a natural surprise. Unfortunately I battled all day sickness for my entire pregnancy and taking care of a toddler in the process was not easy. I was overdue and very much over being pregnant but I eventually gave birth to my beautiful daughter on February 1, 2019.
The first couple of weeks were extremely difficult. Having not only a toddler now but a newborn as well. I found myself crying multiple times a day, feeling extremely anxious to the point where I was shaking, forcing myself to eat and sleep while my babies did...I was a mess and I knew right away it was more than just the baby blues. I called my OB about three weeks after giving birth and again was put on a low dose antidepressant (zoloft) and given pamphlets to resources to help me recover.
I'm now almost 4 months postpartum and although some days are undoubtedly harder than others, "normalcy" is starting to return. I take my medication and have been receiving help from a certified mom coach. I make sure I take my vitamins, eat well, drink enough water and I am able to now sleep while my babies are sleeping when before I was having guilt over doing so. Guilt that I was able to nap while my husband is out working but with the help of my mom coach, she has made me realize and understand that being a full time stay at home Mom IS my job and taking a nap to recharge while they are napping too is nothing to feel guilty about.
I've also changed out a lot of household and hygiene products that have chemicals in them known to mess with hormones so that alone has made me feel better as well. I'm also still under the care of my OB since I'm on an antidepressant for PPD / PPA. I used to be ashamed of it. Ashamed of it all. But I realized that it's okay to speak up when you aren't feeling yourself, it's okay to ask for help, to be on medication until you start feeling like yourself again.
Motherhood is unbelievably hard and messy but it's absolutely beautiful and every thing I have gone through is just apart of my journey, it's apart of my story, and I would do it all again because my babies are worth it.
I am worth it.